do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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