My underwear smells like fireworks.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
YAS. BRING CRAB.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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