I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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