Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
