Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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