my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
