I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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