how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
