I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Life is so much better after having sex.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
