I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
