I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
