I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
