he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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