i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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