i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
