Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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