My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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