We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
