Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
