Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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