im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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