I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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