My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
