The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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