I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
