Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
