Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
