He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
