I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
