I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
