I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
i need some magic done to my vagina
i am craving dick and cupcakes
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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