Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
