i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
3pm strippers are depressing
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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