I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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