oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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