So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
is wine microwaveable?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
