Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Randomize
