The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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