Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
