Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
