she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
