I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
