There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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