I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
