I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
