Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
