What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
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I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
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The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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