I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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