I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
