That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
