I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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