I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
