Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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