I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
