And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
