i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
