You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
