There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
