Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
