3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Randomize
